<em>Some people think football is a matter of life and death. I don’t like that attitude. I can assure them it is much more serious than that.</em>

<em>- Bill Shankly</em>

This is not a time for jokes.

This is serious.

This is football season.

It is but once a year that Dallas’ other publication, the Morning News, devotes 68 pages to cover a topic that does not include the words “Scott Peterson.”

What’s more, the advent of college football, the rabidly popular Saturday afternoon activity at most schools, causes delusional fans to utter grossly misguided statements like “A&M is No. 1.”

At UTD, however, students are immune to this football fever, because to Comets, college football matters just about as much as a Congressman from Wyoming.

But, at least we have the Cowboys to break our hearts and leave us scratching our heads.

Case in point. The New York Jets release Vinny Testaverde because he’s too old. The Cowboys release Quincy Carter because he does drugs. Testaverde then signs with Dallas and Carter with New York.

Do they really think Quincy will be any less addicted or Vinny will be any less old?

In Grandpa’s defense, he looked good in the Cowboys’ first home preseason game against the Tennessee Titans. The Titans had a hard time getting going offensively in the second half after they brought in the second stringers. With the Titans’ inability to gain yards on first and second downs in mind, is it inappropriate to call the team 3rd-down-and-Tennessee?

Everyone was still a little rusty in the game, the stadium P.A. announcer included. After the game, he reminded us to “drink and drive [long silent pause] and live responsibly.” Talk about a Freudian Slip when you say one thing and mean your mother.

The Cowboys are sometimes tough to understand, but what I do understand is why UTD’s men were picked by rival coaches to finish atop the American Southwest Conference (ASC) – because of the newly-formed Comet Crush fan club.

Now be honest. How many of you thought Comet Crush was the sequel to Armageddon?

I’m glad Sports Illustrated didn’t handicap the ASC race. That’s the magazine that picked the Cubs to win the World Series.

Speaking about the World Series, can we really call it that if the U.S. baseball team can’t even qualify for the Olympics, much less bring home a gold? It’d be like calling the NBA winners “World Champions,” and then watching the All-Stars lose to Argentina.

In other Olympics news, the Iraqi soccer team qualified for the bronze-medal game after beating Australia 1-0 in the semis. Australia actually scored a goal early in the second half that was negated by an offside call. Since the Australian forward slipped behind the Iraqi defense before the sweeper could set up an effective counter attack, would you call his shot a pre-emptive strike?

Last week, some listeners out in Cometland expressed concern that I couldn’t write a serious column. So I found a serious quote, swore off jokes and got down to business. You know what I found out? They were absolutely right.