12 months ago
Esteban Bustillos
Mercury Staff

Disclaimer: The views expressed on this post are solely those of the author and do not reflect The Mercury, Student Media or UT Dallas.

Last night was the first presidential debate, America’s equivalent of watching the two people we’re choosing between to be the leader of the whole free world get into a name-calling hissy fit. Here’s my play-by-play breakdown of what happened.


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8:00 P.M.: You know what’s a real drag? No matter what happens, Hillary Clinton’s wardrobe choice, the least consequential of decisions that Clinton can possibly make, will inevitably be a major topic of discussion by the pundits because she’s a woman. Like, she’s the first candidate ever who has to legitimately worry about whether her choice of pantsuit will possibly offend middle America. Let me put it like this: Could you imagine LeBron James having to worry about whether or not his outfit is on fleek before playing in The Finals? Of course not, because his sole purpose in life is to dunk people into the ether. But Hillary won’t get that benefit because she’s got two X chromosomes, which is lame. Anyways, let’s kick this thing off.

8:00:30 P.M.: Sheppard Smith’s comb over flows in the wind the same way a dead body floats in the water. There’s reportedly 100 million people watching this. What a sad time for such weird hair to be in America’s face.

8:03 P.M.: Lester Holt (of the NBC Nightly News clique) is running the show tonight. I really hope he does his job and, you know, makes candidates actually accountable for their answers by doing a little thing called (gasp) “fact checking.”

8:07 P.M.: Clinton turned to Trump and said, “Donald, it’s good to be with you.” BIGGEST. LIE. SINCE. BENGHAZI.

8:08 P.M.: TRUMP SAID MEXICO WITHIN HIS FIRST 30 SECONDS. PERFECT START TO A PERFECT NIGHT.


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8:11 P.M.: Clinton just called Trump’s economic plan “Trumped Up Trickle Down.” I wonder which #millenial staffer came up with that one.

8:14 P.M.: Hahahahaha, Trump didn’t answer the question at all, so Holt asked him to answer the question. Basically like, “Cool story bro, but please do the thing I asked you to do.”

8:18 P.M.: OK, this economic talk is cool and all, but when are we going to start talking about Benghazi? I don’t know about you, but that’s what I’m basing my vote on this year.

8:19 P.M.: Clinton is trying her hardest not to punch Trump when he starts to interrupt her with NAFTA talk and I respect her for that.

8:22 P.M.: “Well, Donald, I know you live in your own reality.”-Hillary

THIS JUST TURNED INTO JAY-Z VS. NAS.

8:26 P.M.: Bro….we’re not even talking about ISIS….

8:28 P.M.: Man, poor Lester Holt. He has to try to corral in Donald Trump, which I can only assume is like trying to catch Godzilla with a dog leash.

8:30 P.M.: “We have a Fed that’s doing political things!” -Trump

“…Mr. Trump, we’re talking about the burdens Americans hold.”-Holt

Holt is the real MVP. God bless him.

8:33 P.M.: Trump just said he’ll release his tax returns when Clinton releases her emails. I’m pretty sure that’s holding Americans hostage.

Also, Holt essentially told the audience to shut up after they made too much noise in response to Trump’s hostage threat. GOAT.

8:36 P.M.: Clinton essentially gave a non-answer when asked about the emails, but it’s not much different from Trump’s non-answers on his taxes. So tell me, what’s the difference?

8:44 P.M.: They’re FINALLY talking about race with two of the least qualified people in America who can speak on this from actual experience. (Trump is Trump and remember when Hillary called black kids “super predators”?) This should be terrible.

8:46 P.M.: “Our inner cities, African-Americans, Hispanics, are living in Hell.”-Trump

Bro, have you ever been to Oak Cliff? Like, ever? LIKE, EVER???? Don’t ever talk to me about what we’re living like.

8:48 P.M.: Holt calls out Trump’s backing up Stop and Frisk by pointing out it’s unconstitutional and he tells Holt he’s wrong, which, by the way, isn’t true. Once again, Holt is on his Kobe scoring 81 points swag.

8:50 P.M.: Trump, bro, if you keep telling me about how bad it is for Hispanics in America….

8:52-8:54 P.M.: Hillary is calling out the private prison system, the gun lobby and implicit bias in policing and giving actual plans. Too bad nobody’s going to remember this.

8:57 P.M.: Having two old, rich, white people talk about race issues is like having two 5-year-olds talk about theoretical physics. I mean, sure, it can sound good and somewhat comprehensible, but it mostly ends up sounding so very, very wrong and usually ends up with someone dying.

8:59 P.M.: Holt brings up Trump’s birther claims, Trump ducks around the question and Holt is all like, ‘Naw bro, ANSWER THE QUESTION.’ I wonder, when are they going to cast Denzel Washington as his character from “Training Day” to play Holt in the movie version of tonight?

9:06 P.M.: Side note: During this whole section of the debate on race, the phrase “Black Lives Matter” was brought up exactly zero times. If that’s not a warning sign, I don’t know what is.

9:17 P.M.: I wonder how many different ways Trump and Clinton can pronounce “Muslim” within a given night.

9:20 P.M.: Trump called out the “mainstream media” for pointing out how he supported the war in Iraq and used Sean Hannity as his voucher. So take that, Lester Holt.

9:22 P.M.: BROOOOO, TRUMP JUST SAID HE HAS A BETTER TEMPERMENT THAN CLINTON. (MAN TRANSLATION: THAT LADY IS BOSSY AND HAS AN ATTITUDE.) OMGOMGOMG, THIS IS WORSE THAN I THOUGHT. THIS IS A SATAN DREAM, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I’M SAYING.

9:27 P.M.: They’re moving on to the last topic, thank God. Please, let this be over already.

9:36 P.M.: Trump is calling out Hillary for not being nice. 2016, everybody. What a time to be alive.

9:40 P.M.: OG Bill Clinton is on the stage. This is great. Have a goodnight everyone.

That’s it. It’s over. Here’s my takeaway.

Winners: Lester Holt. I want to know when his first mixtape is going to drop, because it’s going to be (insert fire emoji here).

Losers: Everyone else. Debates, as it has already been pointed out, are almost always useless, but this one was just bad. There’s literally nothing of substance that anyone will take away from this. We’ve already lost and this thing hasn’t even started. SMH.