13 years ago
Richard Voit

“Hello…is this the office of NBA commissioner David Stern?”

“Oh good. Hi, Mr. Stern, this is Rich… Oh, this is his secretary. Well is the commish in, this is really important.”

“Well, tell him to put Ben Wallace on hold, this can’t wait.’

“Yes, I’ll hold.”

“This music is so depressing, you’d think with all the money the NBA brings in they could afford to play some good…

Mr. Stern! Hi, this is Richard Voit. The wait is over, I am officially forgoing the remainder of my college eligibility and entering the June 24 NBA draft.”

“Now before you say anything, let me tell you I refuse to play for the Wizards or anyone in the Central Time zone. Tell their general managers not even to bother.”

“I must say, it was a hard decision, for sure, to declare myself eligible, but I read a lot about high schooler Dwight Howard, who everyone predicts will go second in the draft.”

“Well, I’m at least two years older than Dwight, so I figure I’ll be picked first. Or even before.”

“What, you say he’s 6’10?” That’s okay. Although I’m about eight inches shorter, my doctor promises me I have at least another half an inch of growing left in me.”

“Uh huh, yeah I did hear that Howard had 26 points, 23 rebounds and 10 blocks in the final game of his high school team’s run to the Georgia state championship.”

“Now, I’m not one to brag, but I got a rebound once in an intramural game. Yeah, impressive, I know.”

“Wait, wait, wait. Michael Jordan said what about Dwight Howard? That he was capable of doing greater things than even MJ did? Come on Mike, I wear your shoes, doesn’t that mean anything anymore?”

“Good thing I don’t hold grudges, right Mr. Stern, otherwise I’d never give Michael Jordan my autograph, you know what I’m saying?”

“Why are you laughing, Mr. Commissioner? Never mind.”

“Just think of all the money a team would save by drafting me. Oh, haha, no not salary cap money – I’m going to demand the rookie maximum. I’m talking jersey money. Imagine stitching the name IGUODALA or PODKOLZINE on the back of a jersey – like the Suns and Cavs are in danger of having to do – as opposed to VOIT. The extra thread and labor will set the team back at least $7.13.”

“And aren’t you concerned, Mr. Stern, about all of the European players infiltrating our draft. Granted, Sasha Vujacic of Slovenia has a sweeter jump shot and Peja Samardziski from Macedonia could jump over me, but I bet my English is almost as good.”

“Plus, I feel like I’m in tune with the culture of the NBA. Not only do I have lots of ice to show off, but my freezer has an ice maker.”

“So, whaddya think, Mr. Stern? Is the NBA ready for me? Mr. Stern? Hello… hmm, his phone must have died.”